Trans martian insertion.

What the f…! Did you see that, Mitch? I tried to swear just then and nothing came out! How the f…. am I going to make it in this…. this… ?? D… ! It happened again! This can only mean one thing. We’re being EDITED FOR TELEVISION!

Sorry for all the yelling and gesticulation (though you probably didn’t see the latter). You always seem to catch me at a bad time. In any case, as you can see, some alien intelligence appears to be manipulating our speech in real-time. When I say “alien intelligence”, I probably should be saying “corporate overlords,” as in the ne’erdowells who run our label, Hegemonic Records and Worm Farm, Inc. It’s a lot more likely that they are behind this sanitization of our every utterance. You have to ask yourself, after all … who benefits? Who else? Motherf…ers! (Oooh, man, that’s irksome.)

I am told that the gosh-darned blaggards (See: now I’m self editing. This is how tyranny starts!) are looking to put us on tour, but only if we clean up our behavior a bit. Hegemonic is dead set against obscenity of any kind, unless the obscenities in question are being perpetrated upon the bodies of trade union leaders or disobedient peasants who dwell by some geographical accident on top of the company’s most coveted mineral reserves. Shooting, garoting, and the like have their place (namely, in the toolbox of their security contractors). But there’s no excuse for foul language… This is a FAMILY company!

They must have gotten word that the Curiosity Rover has actually turned up an opportunity or two for us on Mars, thanks to Mitch Macaphee’s timely intervention through use of advanced telemetry. Nothing a record company like more than free advance work (except perhaps free other work). Anyway, looks like we might be heading to the red planet once we get this album Cowboy Scat: Songs in the Key of Rick mixed and in the can. They say Mars looks a lot like west Texas this time of year. Neither is the kind of place to raise your kids. And there’s no one there to raise them if… well, you know.

Oh, great. Now Marvin (my personal robot assistant) is humming “Rocket Man” in the mistaken belief that I was asking him to. Jesus F… ing Christ on a bike!

Ryan’s express.

So it’s budget guy. Interesting choice, governor. At least we know where he stands (even if your position is still a little vague). We’ve apparently reached a pass in American politics where an unapologetic acolyte of Ayn Rand can be put forward as a candidate for vice president. This may have been unthinkable a year ago, when the Occupy Wall Street movement was in full swing, at least in terms of media coverage. Now that the “austerians,” as Tom Tomorrow calls them, have once again found their full-throated voice, Ryan can be seen as a serious contender for high office. Though they are backing away from the details of his Medicare proposal like it’s a live grenade, concentrating instead on Medicare reductions in the Affordable Care Act – reductions that are included in Ryan’s budget, incidentally.

My favorite dodge, though, is the one about sparing current retirees and near-retirees from painful cuts. Everyone 55 and over will keep the same system as current law, they claim; people younger than that can expect a voucher. Maybe that will buy some time with the elderly, I don’t know. But it seems to me that they’re risking pissing off people in the 45-55 bracket (namely, people like me), who have been in the private health insurance market their entire lives and have seen the magic of the marketplace at work first-hand. After decades of that, I can tell you that the notion of being handed a voucher when I’m finally allowed to retire is unacceptable.

Let’s take a closer look at Ryan’s competitive healthcare marketplace that will somehow work for seniors now better than it did prior to the advent of Medicare in the 1960s. The fact is, we’ve had competition in health insurance basically forever with respect to people under 65. Has the price gone down at all? Next question. If competition results in skyrocketing premiums for younger, relatively healthier people whose healthcare costs tend to be  more manageable, what will happen with elderly people who inevitably incur higher costs due to deteriorating health, age-related illness, palliative care, etc? That’s the reason why Medicare was created in the first place as a government guarantee of coverage for elderly people. Pushing more of its costs onto the people it’s supposed to be protecting is hardly a solution.

Same deal with Ryan’s Medicaid brainstorm. The super-genius wants to whittle that down by replacing it with block grants and reducing it by a third. People hear Medicaid and they think poor people (and, therefore, get apathetic about it). But when it comes to being elderly and needing nursing home care, practically everyone is poor… poor enough to need Medicaid. That’s where a good deal of custodial care funding comes from. Ask someone with elderly parents or someone who has done basic estate planning. Only the Romneys of the world need not rely on some kind of insurance support in their dotage.

This is a good conversation to have, frankly. Let’s have it, and make certain the elderly and the near-elderly understand what’s at stake before the November election.

luv u,

jp

Mars calling.

Looks good, Mitch. Can you make it move forward a little bit? You know… just roll a little towards that crater-like object. That’s a crater? No lie? Hmmm….

Oh, hello. Just watching the Curiosity rover on Mars. No, we’re not glued to the NASA web site staring at the same low rez images everyone else is poring over. God, no. When you have friends in the world of science, that gets you access, my good fellow. Big Green, of course, has an official mad science advisor in the form of Mitch Macaphee, inventor of Marvin (my personal robot assistant) and thrice honored diplomate of the international college of lunatic physicists. When he heard about this Mars rover at a recent loony conference, he built himself a little home made telemetry device that allows him to … well … take command of the Mars rover. (“Oh, no you didn’t!” we said. But oh, yes he did. )

This telemetry thing isn’t about science, though. Don’t say it’s about science. It’s about much more selfish pursuits. Let us face it – Big Green is hungry, friends …. hungry as a dog. We haven’t had a paying gig since… well, since last year. Our promoters at Hegemonic Records and Worm Farm, Inc., have yet to shell out the money for an interstellar tour. Plainly, Big Green has to take matters into its own hands. And whereas some bands turn to their trusted manager, agent, tour promoter, etc., we have only Mitch Macaphee. And as mentioned before, he’s freaking crazy. That’s what is called a telemetry-producing situation.

So how do we leverage this? Well, I’m trying to get Mitch to send commands to the Curiosity rover. We need it to be our arms and legs on Mars. Why? Because there’s this little venue at the foot of Mount Olympus (tallest known mountain in the solar system) that would hire us for a three-night run if we could just get their attention. Can’t afford to ride out there ourselves. (Not in this economy, damnit.) Curiosity can act as our booking agent on Mars. And before you ask, don’t sweat it. We’ll give him the standard 15%. We’re not bad people.

So, okay, Mitch … can you make the Rover say, “private dressing room, behind the stage”? How about, “pitcher of gin and tonic every half hour”? Well, try again, damn your eyes! He’s letting that owner off way too easy.

Weird ass music since 1986