Long shot.

As you know, the North Koreans launched their deadly ICBM this week — the one our entire political office-holding class has been obsessing about for weeks on end. Turns out the missile that was supposed to be capable of reaching the U.S. couldn’t even make it to North Korea. Essentially the same thing happened back in the 1990s – dud missile makes world headlines and puts NORAD on high alert for a fortnight. Why is this treated like a credible threat to our very survival? Yes, North Korea may have nuclear weapons, but what the hell are they going to do with them? Even if that long-range missile worked, they couldn’t put their nukes on it… and even if they could, firing one at us or our allies would be like firing a pistol at a machine gun nest — a “suicide weapon” in the truest sense of the phrase. It is strange that we tend to behave as though we are threatened by these impoverished societies when, in fact, it is we who pose an existential threat to them. And we’ve demonstrated our willingness to attack without provocation.

Unfortunately, this tendency towards jingoistic alarmism is unlikely to change should Congress flip back to the Democrats this year, or if a Dem is elected to the presidency in 2008. There is a bipartisan consensus on this idiocy such that the party that’s out of power is always pushing the ruling party towards more extreme measures. Just as Kerry criticized Bush in 2004 for not hitting Fallujah hard enough, mainstream Democrats regularly chastise the administration for being too soft on Iran, North Korea, Syria, etc. Everybody wants to go for the “tough” guy routine – it’s a no-brainer in an election year (quite literally). Some of the stuff I hear Hillary Clinton saying is enough to make me want to picket her office and burn her publicity photo. You’d think a Senator would feel it less necessary to hew to a reactionary line in a state that’s one of the nation’s most liberal. Trouble is, she really believes that trash she’s talking, aging Goldwater girl that she is. 

When you’ve got support for the Iraq war at well below 50%, you have to wonder why so many Democrats are avoiding the issue like a new strain of the SARS virus. Why is a conservative Dem like John Murtha among the only ones saying anything substantive about this conflict? My guess is that they’re looking around the next electoral corner. They, in essence, are still trying to inoculate themselves against being on the wrong side of a victorious campaign, just as they tried to do during the 2002 election. Many, I’m sure, still believe in this war in as much as they think it is a worthy cause that’s being ineptly handled, rather than a bankrupt enterprise that is bad for Iraq and bad for us. About the only ones who still love this war are Dubya’s crew and Osama. 

Hey – both need recruits, right? 

Ahoy, ahoy, ahoy.

It’s awful hard to hide on a ship, m’ladies. Scuttle me britches, sons-of-a-bitches. Raise the yard-arm. Lower the yard-leg. Hoist the mizzen-mast. Mast the hoist-mizzen. Hast the moist hizzen, for shizzle.

Whoops. Didn’t know you were copying all that. Just practicing my ship-board jargon. Getting a little bit rusty, what with having spent the last year on solid ground. My pirate words are getting all tangled up with one another. (Hard enough to understand those scurvy fuckers to begin with without putting their ravings through a scrambler.) We’re getting awfully close to launch time (it’s about noon right now, and I’m getting peckish) … launch time, and if I’m going to be scuffling around in zero gravity environments, I want to talk the talk as well as walk the walk, you follow me? Arrrgghh.

Enough of this gay banter. We are about to embark on a bold new expedition to remote corners of the galaxy. I’m not talking some old Ford Galaxy, either, I’m talking about the big enchilada, the mongo galaxy… what we know as the Milky Way. No, not the candy bar. The real deal. No, not John Kerry. Arrrgghhhh. Bloody brand names! You just can’t get away from them. Try to have a five minute conversation without stumbling upon large swaths of the language they have appropriated to their own dark purposes… just TRY. Okay, I’m a bit on edge – I admit. This trip is looming, and I’m just not ready. Not packed, not rehearsed, no house-sitter. I haven’t even gotten Marvin (my personal robot assistant) to agree to sign an appearance contract so that he can join us on stage without charging extra money later on. (Oh, he learns QUICKLY.)

Actually, speaking of contracts, we’ve gotten some interest from another corporate label. You remember our old label – Hegemonic Records and Worm Farm, Inc.? (I think they’ve contracted that to just Hegephonic since our day.) Well, just as we were packing our pipe organ onto the spacecraft, a blank contract came in from a label called Loathsome Prick Records. Can’t say as I’ve ever heard of them before. I think they do a lot of spoken word stuff. (They may be the guys who distribute Bill O’Reilly’s books on tape, but that’s just supposition.) I’m not sure where they found out about Big Green, but what the fuck… they HAVE to be better than Hegemonic (or Hegephonic). Sound like a nice bunch of people, anyway. Think maybe I’ll drop them a note before we blast off. Or maybe I’ll have the Big Zamboola carry it over to them personally. (He can always catch up with us, being a planetoid and all.)

What’s that sound? It’s the low murmur of our stardrive engines revving up. Yeah, I just made that up. I don’t know what propels us from planet to planet – we just press buttons, consult our science advisors, and somehow we get there. What the hell, do I look like someone who knows what he’s doing? Look closer!

Roach bottle.

The great peacemaker Ehud Olmert started pounding the living shit out of Gaza this week on the pretext of saving a captured Israeli soldier — one soldier, mind you, who is being held on the demand of releasing 1,000 detainees in Israel. Apparently Olmert’s “way forward” (Kadima) is destined to lead through the shattered lives of every Palestinian in that impoverished tract of land. The prime minister is proving that he has the blood of his mentor, the killer Sharon, in his veins – – a wise move, no doubt, given the sentiments of his constituency. We are witnessing collective punishment of a kind that might be vigorously prosecuted in a just world, its planners facing the gallows, if precedent were to be followed. (Not my preference, but there you have it.) The Israeli attack on Gaza began with air strikes against power generation facilities, effectively cutting off electricity and water to entire communities. No small matter in such a place. Civilian casualties have been reported to be minimal, even non-existent, up to this writing, but are they checking the hospitals? People on respirators? Old folks who need meds, heart monitors, etc.? 

Is it a coincidence that this operation should occur as Hamas was in the process of working out a policy regarding recognition of Israel and a two-state solution? Recall the Sharon modus operandi — moderation is the enemy and must be attacked whenever it rears its not-so-ugly head. The Israeli government can only press its expansionist agenda on the West Bank to the extent that it successfully portrays the Palestinians — all Palestinians — as violent extremists hell bent of the destruction of Israel and the killing of Jewish civilians. What if Hamas were to formally accept the prospect of a treaty based on the long-held international consensus (two states based on the pre-June 1967 borders)? What if they were to become principally a political grouping like Sinn Fein or the African National Congress? That would never do — the Israeli government and a significant portion of the population do not want to relinquish the West Bank and Jordan valley. Sharon dedicated most of his career to that conviction, as have many other Israeli politicians of the right and left. A demilitarized Hamas would be a far greater threat to that project than any armed brigade; it would constitute the legitimate negotiating partner Olmert and others insist does not exist on the Palestinian side. 

This is all about keeping the conflict in the military sphere, where the Israelis have an insurmountable advantage, as opposed to the diplomatic/political sphere, where they haven’t a legitimate leg to stand on. If nothing else, the events of this week illustrate what a sham this Gaza “disengagement” policy has been. The place is completely under the control of the Israelis. They control all the exits and entrances. Their massive air force flies over at will, and they lob tank shells and fire missiles into the strip at every opportunity. This is the kind of sovereignty Palestinians on the West Bank can look forward to as well. It is the fulfillment of the vision articulated by an Israeli politician some years back, that the Palestinians should be made to exist like “drugged roaches in a bottle.” An apt description of the quality of life in Gaza, to be sure. 

It may look miserable, but don’t be fooled. For some, Gaza is a dream come true. 

Weird ass music since 1986