Tag Archives: mansized tuber

Usual Rubbish

Secret Satan. (I mean, Santa.)

Hmmm, let me see. Nicely wrapped. Let’s see what’s inside. Okay … huh. An empty bubble pack that used to contain a ballpoint pen. Nice. So …. who amongst you could have known that that’s something I’ve always wanted?

Oh, hi, everyone. Yeah, it’s that time of year again, and Big Green is celebrating the holidays in the usual way. We put on a bunch of cheesy records. We make a little extra rice and mustard greens. And then there’s the Secret Santa exchange of gifts, which we do in the traditional way … one gift at a time, and the recipient tries to guess who the giver is. How exciting. Someone bring me my sodium bicarbonate. This could be a long night!

That’s not to say that the holidays are any less problematic in our makeshift home than they are in everyone else’s. There’s a lot to look out for here at the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill – a lot going on beneath that cool, clammy exterior.  For instance, if you’re stringing the lights on the parapet, watch the icicle lamp string …. it’s got a short in it. And we try not to put a tree out in the courtyard, because the mansized tuber tends to get attached to it. (No, I mean literally attached. Those roots are always growing.)

No clues!But really the greatest danger is having Mitch Macaphee, our mad science advisor, pick your name out of the hat for Secret Santa. Christmas is his time to offload all of the failed experiments from the past year, and there are usually quite a few of them. You may end up unwrapping a package that contains a beaker of radioactive sludge or something that’s ticking like a bomb. (“Hey, Mack …” you’d say in your 1940s New York accent, “What the heck is this thing? It’s ticking like a bomb!”)

I don’t like to mention this in mixed company, but the fact is that Marvin (my personal robot assistant) was a Secret Santa gift from Mitch. He was trying to build some form of pleasure vehicle, but something went badly wrong, so he put a makeshift head on it and called it “Marvin”. Don’t ask me how he got Marvin into that flat box. It’s a bit like the Casper Mattress package – open it up and FLOP! Out comes Marvin.

Well, if I don’t see you, have a great Christmas, tremendous holiday break, whatever floats your boat.

 

Usual Rubbish

Year nineteen.

Seems like old times, Marvin. You know what I’m talking about, right? Well … then load up some of your old data cassettes. I have that tape backup deck sitting around here somewhere. Or did I use it for an ideas tape … ?

Ah, yes. ‘Tis the season for looking back … something I always look forward to. (Yes, I did just say that.) And this year I’m looking back on what a hack I’ve been for the last nineteen years. This is the nineteenth anniversary of this humble blog, which first made itself known under the questionable moniker “Notes From Sri Lanka” back in December of 1999. Even to call it a blog was kind of questionable – I wasn’t using WordPress or Blogger at the time, just flat html pages that I would post via Frontpage. What’s the difference, right? (Attn: web developers: pretend you didn’t hear that.)

19 years of this crap? How can you stand it?So we’re walking into the twentieth year of this phase of Big Green’s existence, and really … not much has changed since 1999 except that our releases aren’t typically on CD anymore and we’re driving smarter cars. Other than that, everything’s about the same around the Hammer Mill. Marvin (my personal robot assistant) still has a lot of his original vacuum tubes, and his various grease fittings haven’t been lubricated since those early days. The mansized tuber is still man-sized …. he hasn’t grown into some kind of gnarly behemoth. And our mad science advisor Mitch Macaphee is still off his meds … at least the ones his doctor advised him to take so many years ago.

If you want to see for yourself how bloody similar everything was back then to the present day, check out our ancient posts on our “Back Pages” compendium. Fair warning: I would pile my political rants on top of the band chronicles, so you’re going to get a dose of both, though many of the topics will seem a bit obscure after so many years. It does bring back some memories, and in that respect, it’s a little astonishing how little has changed even beyond the grounds of the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill. Hoo boy.

Okay, back to work, people. Got to make the future happen.

Usual Rubbish

Big thanks.

Don’t suppose I ever thanked you for that, right? Well … thanks, man. Thanks a heap. Now get the hell out of my sight.

Oh, hi. Hey … no worries. Just practicing. This, as you know, is the time of year when you show gratitude to all and sundry, even your worst enemy. I was just practicing what that would look like in real life. Say, for instance, my worst enemy (whoever that may turn out to be) should pound on the hammer mill door one cold morning, maybe the day after a long, hard gig on the planet Aldebaran 12, where the bars are open until #$@ o’clock (which, for the record, is pretty late). After dragging myself out of bed, limping downstairs, and pulling the door open wide, how would I properly express my thankfulness for the many gifts of microaggression my worst enemy has bestowed upon me? Suffice to say, it takes thought and practice.

That said, I am thankful for many things. For the leaky hammer mill roof over our heads, for one. I’m thankful for the fact that vacuum tubes are still being manufactured (without those, Marvin’s metronome and inertial guidance system would cease to function). On behalf of the mansized tuber (because he can’t speak for himself), we’re all thankful for plant food. And I wouldn’t want to run through this litany without thanking Mitch Macaphee, our mad science advisor, for not blowing us sky-high this year (third year in a row!). Thanks, also, to anti-Lincoln, whose Gettysburg Address is even more inspiring recited backwards.

Thanky, yankees.But more than anything else, we are thankful to you, our listeners and readers. (That includes all you little Russian bots – I see you!) And that’s why we have chosen to express our gratitude by posting a warmed-over installment of Ned Trek entitled “Ned Trek 29: Error of Mercy”. Check it out at NedTrek.com. This originally ran on our podcast THIS IS BIG GREEN back in August of 2016, in the thick of the presidential election. Highlights include the usual assortment of bad imitations, such as Matt doing James Carville and me doing Bill Clinton. Fun fact: our first read of the script was done in a hospital examination room, waiting for test results. (We were cackling so loudly I think the staff considered declaring a code red and breaking out the restraints.)

So … thanks for the laughs, and for listening to us laugh like idiots.