Tag Archives: This Is Big Green

Usual Rubbish

Slow month.

Y’okay. I know. I’m still working on it, okay? What the hell are you, my mother? I AM WORKING ON IT. Leave me aLONE!

Sorry, man. Catching me at kind of a sensitive time, let’s say. I was just being grilled on where the June podcast (and its half-album of new material) is. Worst part of that whole thing is that, the person grilling me is not a person at all. It’s Marvin (my personal robot assistant) … sort of. I say “sort of” because the shaming tirade he just subjected me to was programmed into him by someone else. Who, exactly? Well … apparently one of the few people who listen to our podcast, THIS IS BIG GREEN. So that narrows the possibilities a bit. Someone who has it in for me, big time.

Okay … obviously I owe someone an explanation, even if I don’t know who it is. So here are my top reasons for not having our podcast episode ready at this late date:

  1. Solar Obstruction – At this time of year, the sun is between us and our podcast. What does that mean? I don’t know exactly. The Space Family Robinson used it as an excuse once for not going back to Earth (and ending the show), so I am commandeering it. (Now you’re supposed to say, “But you can maneuver AROUND the sun!”)
  2. Hey ... Great rationale! Can I borrow that?Paper Clip shortage – As you probably know from reading the major newspapers, there is a nationwide shortage of paper clips. This is due to extreme weather caused by climate change – the entire Nevada paper clip crop was lost. Can’t finish a podcast without paper clips. (Oh, you DON’T read the newspapers? Well … that explains your ignorance around this vital topic.)
  3. Work is Hard – Personally, I don’t think this one needs a lot of explanation, do you? Last I looked, work is still really, really hard. That’s why occasionally you get paid for doing it. When work decides to stop being so hard, I’ll start delivering the freaking podcast on time.
  4. Neighbor’s Sousaphone – Kid next door just started playing the sousaphone. I’ll let you know when she gets good at it. (My signal will be uploading the podcast.)

Even with all of these distractions and obstructions, I will endeavor to post the son of a bitch sometime real soon. So call off your robots, people. I hear you!

Usual Rubbish

Song mill.

What the hell. Is that the number of songs? Are you freaking kidding me? Just looking at it is freaking exhausting. All those parts! What the …. !

Forgot that.Oh, hello. I’m pretending to just notice you, there on the other side of this transparent screen that separates us. Hoo-boy, well … you’ve caught us in the middle of an analysis of our song inventory. Little hard to keep close track of this stuff. We just write ’em, track ’em, and stack ’em. Never take the time to count them, for chrissake. Before you know it, they’re cluttering up the closets, over-stuffing all of the dresser drawers, spilling out into the hallway, and god knows what. Bloody nuisance!

So, on Matt’s insistence (slave driver!), we’ve taken to inventorying them, starting with the most recent examples and working backward. What’s first? Well, our Ned Trek songs, of course. Stacks of them. Our February episode of Ned Trek included no less than six new songs, including a number by Mr. Sulu himself: “Two Lines”. It’s a kind of Sulu-esque lament about the crappy little speeches he was given in the original Star Trek series, typically … well … two lines long. Appropriately, the chorus is made up of two-line parts George Takei uttered at various points in his tenure as navigator on the Enterprise:

Captain, the controls are frozen
the helm won’t respond; we’re being pulled inside
Aye, aye, my career is broken
like a giant hand has me in its hold

Captain, the controls are frozen
manual override is completely out
Aye, sir, I’ve been trying
but my shields are down and I cannot last

That’s about the size of it. So there’s maybe forty of these now recorded and mixed. We’ve got another six in the oven for the next episode of Ned Trek. One of the more productive periods of songwriting in Big Green history, not that quantity is any substitute for quality. Still, we like to think that, in counting them, we are at least handling the quantity part of the issue. Or maybe we’ve just got way too much time on our hands.

Usual Rubbish

Mail bag returns.

Mail's in!Well, it’s been a while. Time to open the Big Green mail bag again, at long last. It’s easy to forget this stuff with all that’s been on our plate the last couple of years. You know, production, minor building repairs, breathing (lots of breathing), and the like. But no matter – we’ll just take a moment away from all of that, wave away the moths, and pull the first missive from its tattered envelope.

Here’s one from Castleton-on-Hudson, NY:

Dear Big Green … Are you the same ne’er-do-wells that used to live in that broken down house on Green Avenue? You know … the one that looks like it tumbled halfway down the gorge and landed on its roof? Because it that WAS you guys, you friggin owe me money.

— Baldric McPlumber

Hey, Baldric … thanks for writing in! Yes, that was us, back in an earlier incarnation (or since we’re talking about rural New York, maybe it should be “inTARnation”). We lived in that broken down house in 1984-5, and next door to it in 1981, so if you have any outstanding bills, just hand them to the people currently occupying those structures. Cheers!

Here’s a note from someone in Madagascar:

Dear Big Green … Your last episode of Ned Trek featured a Mormon dentist by the name of Jillian Mustard. Do you know if she’s accepting any new patients? I’ve got a loose filling in one of my molars, lower left.

— Kranis Frackus

Hiya, Kranis … hope all is well in Madagascar! Nope, I don’t think Jillian is accepting any new patients. She is what we call a “fictional” character, cooked up in the sick, sick mind of my illustrious brother. Any resemblance to actual human beings, living or dead, is completely coincidental. (Unless the resemblance is way too close … in which case, you know who you are.)

One more … this one from San Antonio:

Howdy, partners! I see you posted a whole mess of songs about Rick Perry on your YouTube Channel. It’s almost as if you KNEW Rick was going to run for president again. What manner of beast are you that you can see things that haven’t happened yet?

— T-Bone Pickens

Well now, T-Bone. That there is what we New Yorkers call a “coincidence”. You see, not everything in this highly complex world is connected to every other thing. It’s just a happy accident that I got my lazy ass in gear and posted those songs just weeks before Rick made his fateful decision to throw his ten-gallon hat into the ring. Those songs offer a great backgrounder on the candidate. Don’t underestimate him!

There’s more, but then … you have a life.