All posts by Joseph

Usual Rubbish

Going up.

(Note: No images or political rant today. Tending to a sick friend. jp)

First floor: oxygen, nitrogen, argon and neon. Second floor: carbon dioxide and water vapor. Third floor: ions and free radicals. Fourth floor: absolutely freaking nothing.

Okay, well… that’s what we can expect to hear as we ascend in our space elevator to what promises to be a very eventful launch tour for our new album, International House, now available from HammerMade music (our own bogus imprint). Why such an unconventional method of travel? Don’t ask me… it’s Mitch Macaphee’s call, and he’s not talking to the press. You’re not the press? Well, then I can speak for Mitch. He’s…. a…. mad… man. Got that? MADMAN! We’ve been doing these interstellar tours for nigh onto ten years, and every time we go it’s in some kind of space vessel. This time, it’s a freaking elevator…. just because the guy reads about it in Popular Mechanics. (Did I say “Popular” Mechanics? I meant Unpopular Mechanics … that’s the mad scientist version. Miss a month, miss a lot.)

Okay, so we’re all supposed to pile into this space elevator thing and hit the up button. Personally, I’m skeptical. Sure, it’s cushy and all that – crushed velvet upholstery, brass fixtures, a veritable gilded carriage of the stars. But it’s not exactly… well… roomy. It’s an elevator, for chrissake! This trip could take weeks, perhaps months if we break the light-speed barrier (lord knows doing so could mean the passage of aeons whilest aging only an instant in the time of man… think of it…. ) Am I expected to share a relatively combined cabin with my execrable band mates, as well as Marvin (my personal robot assistant), both Lincolns, the man-sized tuber, an increasingly irritable Mitch Macaphee, and Big Zamboola, who’s been getting bigger by the day? (I blame pizza…. though that’s a bit like blaming the victim.) This is insufferable.

To compound matters, Mitch’s diabolical new “temporal depression” device could make the trip seem a whole lot longer. After all, it was through the use of this brave new technology that the last week was stretched into several months of actual time as perceived by us. Who would have thunk that some gizmo that looks for all intents and purposes like an espresso machine could actually stretch time/space like silly putty? Mitch is very fond of his invention, and he has every intention of carrying it along with him on the space elevator. No doubt every time he’s a little behind in his chores, he’ll flick the switch and turn an hour into a day… or two… or three. Mother of pearl! This tour will never end! Who was the idiot that asked Mitch to come up with a time expansion machine?

Oh, yeah. Guess it was me. Well… I suppose we’ll have to make the best of it. See you on Aldebaran!

Big Green lives at www.big-green.net. Excoriate them at your pleasure.
Usual Rubbish

Countup.

Strangest thing. For a moment there, it seemed like time was slowing down, maybe even stopping. And my watch… it’s running … backwards.

Oh, hello, blog-o-files (or, more properly, big-green-blog-o-files). What’s happening in your corner of the world? I can tell you, fairly briefly, what’s happening over in our patch. Pande-freaking-monium, that’s what. The reason is fairly simple. We’ve got a new album on the verge of release – a little collection named International House, available on or about September 30 – and the assembly line is moving as fast as any sane person might imagine possible. That sucker is on fire, man… cranking out discs like greased lightening. I’ve never seen the man-sized tuber’s root tendrils move that quickly. And Marvin (my personal robot assistant) is putting his robotic arm in a sling, handpainting all those awesome disc covers. (Each one meticulously lettered with a nylon-bristle paint brush. Painstaking!) Will they be dry by the time the 30th rolls around? No man can say.

I’ve talked to Mitch Macaphee about this temporal problem we have – you know, too much stuff to do and not enough time to do it in. Mitch was in a helpful mood, so he retired to his laboratory. What happened then? Weeeelllll… the room started shakin’, the walls started hummin’, and the door started shoutin’ mah name! No, not really… that’s just a little blues number I’ve been working on (they love that stuff on Aldebaran). Actually, there was a humming sound… kind of a low pitched rumble, actually, and the storm windows were rattling a bit. God only knows what kinds of contraptions Mitch keeps in that laboratory of his. Crates keep arriving in the courtyard, mostly by air-drop. (We’ve got enough discarded parachutes to start a silk recycling center.) Do we find that disconcerting? Sure, sure… but that’s just one of the things you need to take into account if you want to have a real madman problem-solver around the mill. Everything’s got its price, you know.

So anyway… Mitch patched some kind of gizmo together, and the next thing I know we’ve got nothing but time. That interstellar promotional tour we booked for International House? It’s not just around the corner any more, at least in our little slice of reality. Mitch explained it to me. He’s created a machine capable of squeezing five, ten, sometimes twenty minutes out of every standard minute. When he cranks it up, the clock slows down, then starts running backwards. Cars in the street kick into reverse. Cakes fall instead of rise. (Actually, that happens to me without the machine.) And my hair starts growing back into my head. Freaky! Still, despite the strangeness, it has afforded us a little more time to take pains over our tour preparations. Don’t want to skimp on the pre-launch checklist (even if we are going up in a glorified interstellar freight elevator).

Well, better get back to it. Got to make sure tubey doesn’t start slacking again. He’s supposed to be answering the AIM, but he keeps forgetting to turn the stupid thing on. (Losing track of time, perhaps.)

Big Green lives at www.big-green.net. Excoriate them at your pleasure.
Political Rants

Wrong-way’s wheelhouse.

Okay, now this is getting very strange. This is reminiscent of what my wife and I euphemistically referred to back in 2000 as the “election show” – the recount fiasco. Only this time the meltdown is happening before the voting begins. Holy jeebus – here we are in the midst of an economic train wreck that any fool could have seen coming from about a hundred miles away, and just as our bonehead president is about to close on a bailout deal, Admiral John McCain melodramatically “suspends his campaign” two days before the first presidential debate and declares that he is going to apply his renowned financial acumen to the negotiations. Next thing anyone knows, the congressional Republicans are bailing on their president’s plan, raising additional provisions (like their perennial favorite, another capital gains tax cut) and digging in their heals less than a day after their leadership indicated a deal was at hand. Mission accomplished, admiral!

Is it just me, or does McCain seem way too mercurial a figure to be trusted with the presidency, particularly at a time like this? I could almost see some sense in his rushing back to Washington if he served on any of the key committees (or if he had planned to even say anything at the White House meeting, which apparently he didn’t), but a knee-jerk move like this appears motivated only by political considerations. It was certainly the “you kids get off my lawn” McCain we saw at Friday night’s debate, gripping the podium like it was his fighter/bomber flight controls, grimacing hideously like a man trying to stick to his anger management strategies, and refusing to say a single good word about – or even look at – his opponent through the entire 97 minutes. His petulance made him, if anything, more vulnerable on issues that he shouldn’t own by any stretch of the imagination. If it weren’t for the sad fact that Democrats – Obama included – needlessly give ground to the Republicans on many of the most important issues of our times, there might well have been a knock-out on Friday.

But again – this is bizarro land. How could Iraq possibly be a positive issue for McCain? Even if he insists on taking credit for reducing violence in Iraq through his support of the “surge” (a crock of shit, but more on that later), he’s dodging the judgment issue on the much larger question of invading Iraq in the first place. That – not the surge – was the most important foreign policy question of the last 8 years, and he was dead wrong. McCain pushed for it, voted for it, supported it to the hilt, and the result is more than 4,000 dead Americans, hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis, millions of refugees, a wrecked country, and a new ally for McCain’s despised Iranian regime. If that’s what victory looks like to you, vote McCain/Palin. Trust me, he and his Alaskan sidecar would get us into new and even more exciting military adventures, I’m sure. (She certainly appears to think war with Russia is a real option. Perhaps it’s her rapture-obsessed extremist Christianity at work, hoping to bring about blessed Armageddon.)

Foreign policy is supposed to be McCain’s “wheelhouse.” All I can say is, if this guy ends up president, they’d better give him the kind of wheelhouse Captain Wrongway Peachfuzz had in Rocky and Bullwinkle – one in which none of the controls are connected to anything. That’s the only way we would be likely to get through his administration alive.

luv u,

jp

Big Green lives at www.big-green.net. Excoriate them at your pleasure.