Last ditch.

This isn’t a pillow, man. This is a freaking anvil. You got this from the forge room, didn’t you? What do you think I am, some kind of machine?

Yeah, I know – I should expect this sort of thing, living in an abandoned hammer mill. Remnants from the forge room, repurposed for bedding materials. Such are the times we live in. Big Green, like many indie bands, lives pretty close to the margin, my friends. We don’t have the resources for all of those extras bands like The Decemberists and Black Flag can afford. God, no… we just make do with what we’ve got. In these hard times, our fans expect this much at least: that we should be every bit as miserable as they are. And friends, we don’t disappoint.

That said, I do wish Marvin (my personal robot assistant) would use a little sense in straightening up my living space. Admittedly, his mind has been elsewhere. I think our new marketing advisor, Noname – a minion from our corporate label Loathsome Prick Records – has been reprogramming him when no one’s looking. Beyond her ken? I don’t think so. Marvin’s not that complicated. He’s running a 486 processor, for chrissake. If he went to Harvard for seven years, he might end up with as much brains as your $10 wristwatch. Even an art history major like Noname can reprogram his ass, no problem.

Right, so… first she got Marvin all ironic. Now she’s working on getting us to do, well, more interesting things. Stuff that will make the news, you know? Like, I don’t know – setting the mill on fire, or drinking to excess and lying in a ditch in the middle of town, or hijacking a weather balloon and dropping tins of condemned sardines on the Washington monument, or…. well, you get the idea. You can see the headlines now: Big Green Makes Last Ditch Effort For Big Time. Or perhaps BAND BETS FARM ON MAJOR MELTDOWN. Or perhaps not. Sometimes I wonder if Noname is really that well checked out on this stuff.

Hey, we just do what we’re told, right? When was that ever the case?

Free hand.

Just a few quick comments on Iran. What the hell – why should this week be any different from all the others?

The rhetoric on Iran is heating up. This is beginning to feel like 2002 all over again – I hope with a different ending, our having benefitted from a bad experience, but I have my doubts. The Israeli government has gone into overdrive in an apparent attempt to prompt into more aggressive action against Iran. Their threat to bomb the place is not an idle one – this is what they do and what they have done, in Syria and in Iraq, not to mention various assaults on Lebanon, though not related to nuclear arms programs. We’re hearing the same kind of trope we heard about Saddam Hussein. They’re creating a “nuclear arms capability”! They’ve got missiles that can reach the United States! Be afraid!

Of course, we all know how this story ends. What became of Saddam Hussein’s nuclear weapons ambitions about which “there can be no doubt”? It was just as defector Hussein Kemal described it in the mid 1990s, in interviews that were well circulated before the Iraq war: Iraq had never gotten beyond the theoretical stage in weapons development, and what technology they had relating to uranium enrichment was broken up and buried after the Gulf War. And their missile technologies? We all know about the aluminum tube hoax. Then there were the deadly drones – basically model planes bound together with duct tape. This is why the current claims about Iran shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

Frankly, if we were intentionally trying to encourage Iran to build nuclear weapons, we couldn’t have come up with a better scenario than has occurred over the past ten years. For one thing, they have a nuclear state – Israel – constantly threatening them with attack. They have the sole remaining superpower – us – doing very much the same thing. We included them in an “axis of evil”, one nation of which – their neighbor Iraq – was invaded and destroyed. The one that wasn’t invaded… had nuclear weapons. What lesson would we expect them to draw from that? Also, the nation that capitulated to the U.S. and gave up its nuclear ambitions – Libya – was later attacked and overthrown. More incentive to negotiate. Is anyone surprised that they would want to keep their options open?

The fact is, with the wind down of the Iraq and Afghan wars, we now have a hand free. That, no doubt, will put a lot of countries on high alert, Iran amongst them. If you don’t want another war, tell your congressional representatives, your president, your neighbors: We don’t need this.

luv u,

jp

Me, me, me.

When I was a kid, my parents took me on a trip across this great country of ours. We took in all the national parks, all the dude ranches, all the hamburger joints, all the breakfast cereals, and it was great. The best way I can share it with you is by singing this song. I want you to all sing along with me. “There’s a yellow rose in Texas … that I am BOUND TO SEE….!!!”

Whoa, hey… didn’t know anyone was reading this here blog. I was just practicing in my spare time. What am I practicing? Thought you might ask. Just in case I find myself running for president in sixty or seventy years, I thought I might need a little background on how to warm up a crowd at a retirement center. Now I know just how to do it, sort of. Anywho… we’ve all got to keep ourselves occupied, what with Big Green up on blocks like a 1976 Chevy Monza that needs a ring job. We’ve been blowing oil for about 5,000 miles now, folks. Time for a tune up. [METAPHOR OVER.]

Right, so … what are we doing? Recording, that’s what. I’ll tell you, this podcast of ours ( THIS IS BIG GREEN ) has gotten us back into the studio on a regular basis, and not just to drink beverages. We’re just putting finishing touches on two more Rick Perry songs, to be premiered on the February podcast under the moniker of Rick Perry and the Recognizable Hicks. (They are to us what the Dukes of the Stratosphere were to XTC … only with 80% more hick.) Think of it as a thematic strain, like Christmas has been with Matt for umpteen years or more – once you start, they just keep coming.

The podcast versions are like first drafts, mostly, though our Rick Perry songs are as close to finished as anything is likely to get here in the Cheney Hammer Mill. The rest of it is pretty bare bones – Marvin (my personal assistant) playing drums, some twangy guitars, a stray sousaphone. At some point we’ll collect all of these numbers into an album and call it SONGS FROM HELL or RARE FOOT DISEASE or something more appropriate, less offensive, etc.

Anyway, stay tuned. More stuff to come, in one form or another. (Okay… I promise not to sing “Yellow Rose” again. Now will you listen?)

Weird ass music since 1986