Special delivery.


What time is it? Okay, now… what day is it? Is that so? Right, then… seems like a good time to open the mail. Oh, yes – we get it. Don’t think it’s like writing to Santa. Just scrawl “Big Green” on the outside of any envelope, drop it in a box, and it will find its way to us… as if by magic. That’s right, I said MAGIC.

Right. So, let’s see… what do we have in the old mail bag? Ah… here’s something…

My name is Barrister Zul Rafique an attorney by profession, in my quest to find a reliable trustee to manage the assets/estate of my late client valued at only $3.5,000.00 (Three Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars) This is the reason why you are receiving this email from me. I shall be willing to supply you with more detailed information concerning this business project upon hearing back from you.

I am left with no other choice, but to carry out a discreet search for a reputable person outside the shores of my country and consequently seek your stewardship. If you wish to render your selfless service, but very rewarding, do provide me with the following information via my private mail box

1.Your full names
2.Tel & fax numbers
3.Complete Address
4.Your occupation and your Age.

Thank you, all inconvenience is regretted.
– Joe Lee Jeffrey Esq.
Principal Partner Jeffrey Lee & Partners

Well, thanks for writing, Joe Lee Esq.  I will be more than glad to provide said private information. In fact, I have entrusted it to my good friend, Big Zamboola, who will carry it straight over to you…. just as soon as he disengages himself from synchronous orbit over Aldebaran 7. (He is strangely attracted to that hideous little globe.) Give him a few thousand years or so. Orbits have decayed more slowly than that, to be sure.

Here’s another one:

Dear Big Green,

I am a freelance tree psychoanalyst. I keep seeing this tree in your blog images that appears either depressed or otherwise ill at ease. May I have your permission to counsel the tree?

All I need is the following items:

1.Your full names
2.Tel & fax numbers
3.Complete Address
4.Your occupation and your Age.

Please remit same at your earliest convenience.

Regards,

Franklin Pierce Nonentity

Hiya, Franklin. I’m thinking you should just get the info from Joe Lee Jeffrey Esq. You’ll find his contact info above.

Them-ism.

I’ve never been a union member for more than maybe eighteen months as a part-timer, back when I was a 1/8-time adjunct at S.U.N.Y. Empire State College and belonged to the A.A.U.P. (I paid dues to the Teamsters for about two weeks when I had a stock room job at a Caldor in Albany back in 1982 – the kind of job that lasts two weeks when you’re me.) Likewise, my dad spent the vast majority of his working life – perhaps all of it – unaffiliated, unorganized, call it what you will. But though he was no fan of Hoffa, Meany, and the other union bosses of his day, he understood the power of labor organizing and was always supportive of it – not out of loyalty to an organization, of course, but from a deep identification with the experience of working people, as he worked hard pretty much the whole 40 years I knew him.

I have to say that my sentiments run along the same lines, though I’ve never worked as hard as my father did. Still… I understand what it is like, what many of the hidden costs of labor are, and that informs my perspective as well as that of many, many Americans. A vast majority of Americans, in fact, if recent polling is to be believed – Wisconsin Governor (and former pop star) Scott Walker and his peers in Indiana, Ohio, and elsewhere appear to have been working on the assumption that most people who do not belong to a union see no value in organized labor and have no knowledge of its history in this country. Evidently, they are mistaken. Polling has long shown that most American workers would, if given the opportunity, join a union. While they understand the necessity of making concessions from time to time, they do not agree that one should concede one’s basic rights. The right to collective bargaining was hard won, fought for. It will not be relinquished casually.

Of course, it’s no surprise that organized labor is under attack five minutes after the latest crop of Tea Party-fueled Republicans have taken office. For some reason, most people think the GOP is going to be reasonable if we just allow them to take power. The fact is, every successive time they win an election, they get more aggressively destructive than the time before. Walker and others were trying to cram this anti-union legislation through before anyone noticed. They are trying to drive a wedge between “us” (non-union workers, or at least those who don’t belong to public employee unions) and “them” (union workers), for the benefit of their well-heeled patrons… like the real David Koch (not the admirable ersatz one from the Buffalo Beast who called Walker a couple of weeks ago). Typical divide and conquer strategy – the top 2% who made out like bandits over the past 10 years in particular are taking time out from collecting their tax breaks to help set the rest of us at each other’s throats, fighting over the scraps that remain.

Remember, friends. If there’s a “them” here, it’s not organized labor. It is, rather, that thin layer of folks who own everything and wish to part with none of it.

luv u,

jp

Schism.


Give me that back door religion, give me that back door religion, give me that back door religion, it’s good enough for me!

That’s the song we’re singing here at the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill, now that Marvin (my personal robot assistant) has been plying his new trade as preacher, flock-leader, and chief financial officer of the local diocese of the Space Hippie Sect. Yes, it’s a religion he made up using bits and pieces from Hulu reruns he watches in his ample spare time (contrary to common belief, robots are slothful creatures generally, their servos idle nearly 65% of the time). Turns out it was time well wasted, as the converts have been trudging in, eyes glazed, arms extended in front of them, hungry for spiritual guidance. Didn’t know Marvin was so good at getting money out of people. Must be new programming… for somebody.

How do we of Big Green feel about floating our household on donations to a church hastily invented by a renegade robot? Well, not bad, actually, times being what they are. It’s always good to see a small business owner succeed, and if Marvin isn’t that, I don’t know what he is. And even though the church gatherings involve a good deal of tuneless singing and electric space-banjo playing, they pay for the lights, the heat, the occasional pizza. Life is good. At least until the police arrive. (Note to police: If you read this blog regularly, please be advised that this is “satire” and therefore constitutionally protected speech, not a Web-based confession of ill deeds. Nor is this claim a lame effort to keep you from breaking up this great little scam we’ve got going….. um… in the satire.)

Okay, so maybe it’s not completely on the up and up. At least it beats the down and down… hands down. Why, even Mitch Macaphee seems to think Marvin’s on to something, and he rarely admits to any interest in money or valuables, unless they can be easily converted into experimental subjects. (A true scientist, our Mitch.) And face it, we’ve sold our integrity a whole lot more cheaply than this in days past. Those of you who have followed us since… well… three weeks ago know that this is true.

Well, off to another revival meeting. Trouble is – when the faithful decide it’s time to go to Eden, what then? ROAD TRIP!

Weird ass music since 1986