Tag Archives: mansizedtuber

News

New Home (Old Band).

It’s moving day, Major West!

Okay, starting with a quote from Lost In Space is probably a little too obscure for most of you young’uns, I admit. But the message is clear: Big Green is moving to a new URL. That’s right – we’re boxing up all of our baubles, winding up all of our furniture in bubble-wrap, and backing the U-Haul up to the front stoop of big-green.net. Time to load it in and pack it off to our new digs at … well, right where you’re at right now.

Yep, Matt and I have been hashing this out for a while (see the photo – this decision has clearly been decades in the making). But sometimes you just have to pull the damn trigger, am I right? Lord knows, we have plenty of reasons for doing this, but here are the top ones:

Reason #1: Leaky roof, squeaky floorboards

Leave us face it, the old blog flat at www.big-green.net/bg is a dump. The landlord is not cool. Every time something goes wrong, he sends in his brother-in-law with a Swiss army knife or some third-rate contractor who owes him a favor. Our blog was down for well over a month, and it didn’t come back up until we paid for service on top of our rent. Not cool! Time to hit the road, Jack.

Reason #2: No pets

You wouldn’t think Marvin (my personal robot assistant) would count as a pet, but he most certainly did – at least when they came in to do the census. (We had the mansized tuber just stand still for a while so they would think he was a potted plant.) Fuck all, let’s face it – if that place ain’t good enough for Marvin, it ain’t good enough for yours truly. That’s our position and we’re sticking to it.

Reason #3: Long grace period

Okay, so when you’re lucky enough to be able to afford it, it’s nice to have a span of time when you’re maintaining both the new joint and the old dump at the same time. That’s kind of what we’re doing. The blog is moving, but we will maintain the blog for a while at the old locale, at least while we settle in at biggreenband.com. Mind you, the landing page at big-green.net isn’t going anywhere; we’ll just repoint the links to the new blog when it’s ready.

Those are the best reasons. Want the rest? Of course you don’t! Trick question.

What’s next

Coming up this Spring, we’ll be releasing a single, name yet to be announced, so stay tuned!

Usual Rubbish

If it frowns back, it must be a face

2000 Years to Christmas

I was starting to wonder about you. Did they put you in with other robots? Huh. That’s funny. I thought they had a special section for automatons. What is law enforcement coming to, for crying out loud?

Hi, Big Green fans. It’s your old friends Big Green, still living together, like most bands do, in the same shabby domicile. Not accomplishing much these days, frankly – just trying to keep the heat out and dancing on the rubble. Sometimes we spin a record or play a tape. Occasionally we record something. It’s a slow life, but an honest one …. honestly asinine.

Name and a face

I was just getting a debriefing from Marvin (my personal robot assistant) on his latest expedition to the corner store. This time it took him fourteen hours, thirty-seven minutes, and twelve seconds. (No, I wasn’t timing him – he has a digital chronometer built into his face plate.) Last time he was a few minutes quicker, but that was the day his battery ran out.

Speaking of faceplates, apparently the cops picked Marvin up on his way back from the store. Apparently they got that facial recognition software for Christmas this year and they wanted to try it out on somebody. Now, as it’s a system designed by white people, it’s not surprising that it doesn’t work with non-white people. But robots? You’d think a piece of software could parse the sculpted brass plate that passes for Marvin’s mug, but you’d be wrong.

The almost-inmate

Okay, so, apparently Marvin’s …. uh …. face set off an alarm in the police computer downtown. The stupid software thought he was this OTHER robot that did nasty things downtown. (I think he picked yet another robot’s pocket.) In any case, they hauled Marvin in and started questioning him mercilessly.

Now, Marvin’s pretty good with interrogations. Sometimes he pulls the Captain Pike trick – you know, flash one for yes, two for no. (He can move forward. Backward a little.) I have to say, that flashing light routine really pisses the cops off big time. I’m not certain, but they may have knocked him around a bit. They’re just fishing for a consent decree.

Dudes, that just ain't him.

Suspect null set – try again

After fourteen hours, they finally got the idea that Marvin was not the android they were looking for. And no, it wasn’t the result of some cheap-ass Jedi mind trick. They printed up a photo of the suspect, and frankly, even a blind man could see that they had the wrong bot.

When they released him, though, they picked up the mansizedtuber on the rebound. They’re just grasping at straws – or husks, more properly – at this point. All I can say is that if they try to waterboard that mo-fo, he’ll just ask for more.

Usual Rubbish

Our influencer needs some pruning.

2000 Years to Christmas

Jesus Christmas, is THAT what he’s been doing? Oh, yeah … sorry. I forgot that his pronouns are it, its, and … uh …. it. I mean, ITS pronouns, not his. Sorry, sorry. But …. is that what it’s been doing? Whoa.

Oh, hiya. Glad to see some visitors from the sane side of reality. Here in the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill, our adopted squat palace, it’s crazytown USA. Chock full of nuts, you might say. In here, we just page through the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (or the DSM-5, as they call it) and take turns embodying each entry to its fullest. It’s almost like the authors have been hiding in the walls, watching us through two-way mirrors. (Is that paranoia … ?)

Sure, that’s problematic. But we’ve got other things to occupy our thoughts. Like, for instance, what the hell is that mansized tuber up to now? For years it’s been like … well, like a potted plant, taking up space in the courtyard, hoping for rain. Now, suddenly, tubey (friends call him tubey) has reemerged from seclusion, firing up its social media accounts and firing off posts like a mighty oak dropping acorns. It is a site to behold.

Branching out

Lord knows that tubey has been in one or two scrapes, as any reader of this blog will surely know. But nothing like what it’s likely to run into on social media. For instance, tubey just restarted his Facebook page after a long absence, and already some loser has asked it to admin their page. Imagine the gall! (Some podcast named Strange Sound …. what the hell is that?)

I think he's right, tubey. You have to turn it on first.

Now, typically when you haven’t done a thing in a while, you get less practiced at that thing. That’s just common sense, right? Tubey, however, doesn’t subscribe to the notion of competence, let alone common sense. That’s why he’s strongly considering opening a TikTok account. Or maybe Instagram.

Master of none

There’s such a thing as spreading yourself too thin. And when you are a root vegetable, such a thing can be fatal. Fortunately for tubey, it has us to advise it. Marvin (my personal robot assistant) is also happy to pitch in with his suggestions, though they’re a little hard to parse. Marvin has never mastered English … or any other language, come to think of it. Which leaves us to interpreting random squeaks. Don’t try this at home!

Let’s face it – none of us is an expert on social media. Maybe tubey will be the first in Big Green land to make it work. Or maybe he’s just nuts like the rest of us.